True Love

"I have died every day waiting for you. Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more."

Love,
     Jesus Christ

The musical artist Christina Perry really captured the heart of God in her song "A Thousand Years." Although the song was originally written to accompany the gang of vampires and werewolves from the Twilight series, I don't think she quite realized just how inspirational and comforting this song truly is.

This song was made to be taken from the perspective of a boy trying to adequately express his love to the girl he has fallen for (At least, this is the message i see fits best the song anytime I have listened to it). Now, I agreed with the assumed meaning of this song until today...

Something changed when this song played over my laptop speakers this afternoon. I had just read through my two devotionals when I really started focusing on the lyrics of this song. In the first verse, she sings about questioning the ability to love because fear is getting in the way. When i looked up the lyrics I realized how much the first verse echoed a cry my own heart has shouted before: There lies in my heart a fear to love no matter how badly I want too. We are not perfect...If you haven't recently noticed. We are flawed, broken, and specific to this example we are scarred. In my past relationships I have faced my fair share of rejection, whether it be from a friendship, a boyfriend, but especially from my biological father. To sum up a long story, my father was not exactly the best example of how to love.

If you are a dad and you are reading this, or a man that hopes to be a father someday, please read and understand these next few lines carefully. Little girls grow up. Little girls eventually get boyfriends. Little girls someday might get married. LITTLE GIRLS NEED YOU TO BE THE EXAMPLE OF HOW TO LOVE AND HOW THEY SHOULD BE LOVED BY A MAN. My father was never around, and whenever he was I was striving to do anything I could to get his attention; to get his lips to simply purse a smile just because of him being proud of something I did. My father's lack of attention paid to me, and his absence of loving remarks shows in my life today through the scars I bear with me everywhere I go. To this day I have a deeply rooted fear of losing those I genuinely care about. This effects the way that I am able to love people. My ability to be myself is paired up against the fear of the people I am closest to not accepting the real me. Quite the contradiction. (Boys, don't tune out on this next part, even though it is focused towards the opposite gender, you may learn something about us that you could find useful to know) And for those of you girls reading this, you know that little thing called self-consciousness? It doesn't just show up because you finished that entire quarter pounder from McDonalds and now you have a food baby. It does not exist simply because you are wearing a form fitting dress compared to your usual t-shirt and jeans combo. Self-conciousness arises because  that moment when it decides to rear it's ugly head, is tied to an emotion. An emotion stored in the recesses of your mind from a time that you too were "injured." Now that wound has stuck, and getting rid of it can seem like the toughest thing in the world to do, maybe even an impossible feat.
But, there is Hope.
First, know that you ARE NOT the only person going through this. Every single girl in the universe has felt the same thing you are going through in your most insecure moments. You are not alone in this.

Secondly, that wound that you carry, whether it be from a past boyfriend or an uninvolved father, is overlooked by a certain someone out there. There is someone who has loved you for a thousand years regardless of your aching heart, and fearful thoughts. His name is Jesus Christ.
No matter how many boys break your heart, no matter how many times your earthly father fails you(which HE WILL, HE'S NOT PERFECT), Jesus always sees you as the His beautiful, breathtaking creation that He will forever gaze upon. He can't help but smile every single time He looks at, or even thinks about you. He died for YOU. He is the perfect suitor, pursuer, and lover, who guess what? DESIRES YOUR LOVE BACK!

Wait what?

He is like the man of every girls dreams, you have got to be thinking, "How could he possibly even notice me?" Well, not only has he noticed you, but HE DIED FOR YOU, HE SACRIFICED HIS ONLY SON FOR YOU, HE GAVE UP HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION JUST SO HE COULD HAVE YOU AND CALL YOU HIS.
Now that is what I call true love.
We can gaze upon Him and our doubts suddenly vanish.
Even with our faults and our inability to provide total selfless love, His perfect Love casts out our fears.


This song is resonating the message found in 1 John 4:18 which says, "There is no fear in love, but PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR..."This song is God shouting out to His people, "I have loved you since before the creation of the world, and I will continue loving you just as much as I did when I first saw you, and for all of eternity! Run to me, my love for you will cast out your fears to love me back. I know you are bruised and this world has hurt you, but I STILL WANT YOU." God is a jealous God in the sense that He will not let anything ever come between us and our relationship with Him.


The bridge of this song repeats the words "One step closer."
Every time we allow for God's perfect love to be displayed through our lives, we come one step closer, not only in relationship with Him, but also in our relationships with those around us. I have an incredible man in my life that God has blessed me with. Every time we have both been in the Word, in prayer, and seeking to strengthen our relationship with Christ, I can honestly see God pulling my boyfriend and I closer together. I can not find the words to even describe what an incredible man God has given me, and I sincerely hope that God allows for OUR story together to last a thousand years.

So what are you waiting for?
I understand that it is scary to trust in something you can't see, something you may not even recognize is there half of the time. But believe me when I say this...

This incredible God has loved you longer, more passionately, fought for you more than any earthly being ever could. He loves you with every fiber of His soverign being, and all He wants is

YOU.

So, will you take the invitation into the most incredible love story ever created? It's your choice, and God will wait as long as it takes until He gets you back into His loving arms, right where you belong.

Dashed Dreams or Perfect Planning?

The first week of school has come to a strongly anticipated close. Everyone is relatively settled into their dorms, the freshman have begun to find their desired people groups, and time is slipping away for students to make the choice if they really want to keep that underwater basket weaving class they signed up for. Now, I entered University this year fully planning on declaring myself as a Theater Major with an emphasis in Performance. This title seemed to impress everyone in my first two classes on the first day, making me even more anticipatory about  my theater focused classes. I bolted out of my 'Integration to College' course and made my way speedily to the Performing Arts building. After getting lost in the winding hallways of Audrey Auditorium I finally wandered into my technical theater classroom. The teacher looked very Lumberjack-esque (meaning a long sleeved plaid shirt, tucked in, blue jeans, and a tool belt, that for all that I knew it could very well have accommodated for an axe), and he seemed like a personable enough...person. Myself and the other students sat down in the dimly lit room and began to run through the syllabus. In rough summary of it's contents, it pretty much said that the school is not responsible if you decide to brush your hair with the circular saw...
Reasonable Enough.
After the syllabus, he asked us what our definition of Stagecraft was. I thought for a moment, and came up with the word Creativity. Then, he had us write a sentence including our word further defining the term Stagecraft. He then had us share our answers aloud and I figured that my answer was pretty darn, well, CREATIVE! So, I raised my hand and shared that I believed Stagecraft was techies coming together to find creative ways to get a story across to their audience. "I got this in the bag," I thought to myself.
...
EH! WRONG!

Wait, wait, wait one moment. Did he not say there were no wrong answers prior to me being bold enough to share my answer in front of a bunch of strangers? Wrong?! In short, he said that if I ever use the term Techie, instead of Technician, in his presence that he would become so ticked off that he may not be able to account for what happens as a result of his raging fury. So, I sat silently in my uncomfortable wooden desk for the remainder of the class period while my fellow peers continued to chuckle and mutter the word "Techie" under their breath. Once class had ended I meandered out of the room with my head hanging a bit lower than it was when I had first entered the room, until I realized something,

I have Acting Class next!!!

Yes, finally! The piece de' resistance of my day, that much anticipated hour and a half of my first day had finally come.
I was the first person to reach the door of the black box classroom, and I am sure that everyone passing me in that hallway as I sat waiting for the instructor thought that I had just won the lottery with the glow that was radiating from my face. The instructor eventually came and unlocked the door to reveal a gorgeous solid black room. This was the space that for the next four years I would have the privilege of learning under the teaching skills of some incredibly talented and well known actors. I was joined in the room by about twenty or so students all gawking at the very experienced looking professor before us. She sat upon an acting block and began to go through the syllabus for what was to be taking place this semester. She started off by laying out our schedule for the class, and then went on to talk about the department as a whole. She went into brief detail about the shows that the school would be putting on this year and what auditions would entail.

***Now, let me preface this next bit to help you better understand just how devastating the following part of this story was.

The week before school had commenced I had decided to write out a solid list of my morals and where I stood on certain things, as not to compromise myself in the midst of college life. My biggest morals on the list were as follows; I will not allow myself to be placed in a relational/romantic role in any show or class activity. I will not stay in, nor be a part of any activities that could possibly jeopardize my personal relationship with Christ. The first one listed came about when I was placed in a two-actor show my sophomore year that was based on the love life of two friends that had lived next to each other for years, and after ten years the female character finally notices her love struck neighbor and they fall for each other. This show's rehearsals lasted a little under two months and my acting partner and I were running lines 24/7. I became so involved in my character that the lines started to blur between who I was as myself, and who I was as my character. Because of that it took me months to recover who I actually was. So, I vowed to myself that I would never play a character who was heavily emotionally or physically involved with someone of the opposite gender on stage. This promise to myself, and to God, was what made this next event such an incredible test of my faith...***

My Acting teacher proceeded to explain how this new theater world was going to work. She said that any morals, religion, or strong ideals will be docked at the door before every class period, so they will not be imposed on fellow class mates. (This is understandable, I totally agree with not shoving my views down others throats.) But then, huh, it got a bit overwhelming. She started talking about how if we are working on a show that has an immense amount of F-Bombs for example, that we will have to push pasts our moral decisions and follow the script. As if that wasn't a shock enough, she continued on to say that she would never request for us to de-robe in class, but that's not to say it hasn't happened. And the biggest shock of all was when I came to speak with her after class. By the time the class ended I was on the verge of tears, and then nearly burst when I was told that all auditions were mandatory for Theater Majors, because the auditions for the current shows were in two days. With the auditions being mandatory I could not monitor what shows I did not feel comfortable auditioning for.

I felt cornered.

I finally contained myself enough to tell her face to face that I was not comfortable being in a romantic role with someone of the opposite gender. She said that would be fine, considering we won't face anything like that really in this class, BUT, that if I wanted to remain in this department and keep my major, that I would have to get over it...

I was crushed.

I left the class as tears began to roll down my cheeks, and I looked toward the clouds looming above me as I aloud asked God what was going on...I called my boyfriend Daniel Davies(God used Him as an encourager, support system, and constant reminder that even though it seemed like my dreams were crumbling beneath me that God had a perfect plan, thank you so much sweetheart), and after a long conversation full of gasping tears back, he was in full support of my decision to...

Completely Change My Major.

I went back to my dorm room and buried my face into my pillow. I cried out to God, "Lord, I have no idea what you are doing. I do not understand what is going on, or even where to go next, but I TRUST YOU."
I think that this was the most honest prayer of trusting God that I had ever prayed. That moment of surrender began a long and stressful three days of running from councilor to councilor seeing what classes still had seats available.

In the end, I declared myself as a Communications Major with a Minor in Photography, which I am overjoyed to be titled as. I was able to be placed in three communications classes that should have had no possibility of being open to enroll into, but God doesn't abide by earthly circumstances does He? 

GOD IS SO GOOD. 

This experience grew me in my values and where they are rooted, in my relationship with my roommate, and proved even more that God is constantly a part of my life's PROCESS.